Iowa and New Hampshire are Trying to Prove they are Relevant

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070928/D8RUMK6O0.html

Well it was only a matter of time before New Hampshire and Iowa responded to the fact that states like Michigan and Florida were moving up their primary in order to stay ahead of "Super Giga Massive Awesomeness, You're state sucks if they aren't here- Tuesday" (this may seem like a joke but its actual name is pretty much just as dumb). Iowa officials have now begun speculating that it could be moved to as early as January 21st (the day after the previous inauguration. Wouldn't that be great if it were true? That way senators and governors who were running for presidential office could spend even less time doing the jobs they were actually elected for. Instead stumping for votes making empty promises about educating babies, or something. I don't know if thats a real issue I haven't been following, seems perfectly cromulent to me.

I suppose it all comes down to the fact that these two states really have nothing else going for them. Observe the following lists of facts about Messrs. New Hampshire and Iowa to try and better understand the mentality of the people who live there.

Iowa-

• State Nickname:"The Tall Corn State"- wasn't aware there was short or tall corn, I'm sure I have angered some farmers with this statement, but lets be honest, no one is reading this anyways.
• State Motto: "Iowa- 5 kinds of awesome"- could be.
  
• Official Language: English- I'm so glad this is listed as a fact. However, its a loose definition as people that pronounce it "cone" instead of "corn" aren't really speaking English. Plus I'm pretty sure that they have a casual relationship with grammar as well.
• Site of the Mormon Pioneer Trail: I'm not touching this with a 100 mile pole. America Jesus might smite (smote?) me.
• It's bordered by no less (also no more) than 6 states!: Oh poor Alaska, at least you have the frozen wastelands of Northern Canada to keep you company.
• It has no less than Zero professional sports team: Minor league teams dont count.. I'm looking at you "Sioux City Musketeers" of the United States Hockey League, shame on you for trying to convince people you're a real team, or sport for that matter.

Okay, so seems like they have a little bit of weirdness going on in the state, maybe a napoleon complex or two. Dimitri Martin says states that are shaped like regular polygons are not cool. Iowa is pretty squarish, except for that eastern "nub". What's up with that? Maybe that's where the cool Iowans (Iowish?) hang out. I wouldn't no, I've never met any cool people from Iowa. They don't have much going for them so I can see why they need their precious caucus to feel important on the national stage. Now lets take a look at New Hampshire.

New Hampshire-

• State Nickname: "The Granite State"- Kitchen counters must be incredibly cheap here.
• State Motto: "Live Free or Die (Hard)"- Who knew that movie was about the great city of Manchester.
• 46th Smallest State: Pansy ass Rhode Island ain't got nothin'
• It Borders Canada! Eh?: Well not real Canada, French Canada (26.6% of state population).
• It's climate is inclimate (inclement?): Where do think NorEasters go to die?
• They have a newspaper called Foster's Daily Democrat: (no doubt an indication that this state is as blue as the blood of the people were dukes of "Old" Hampshire in England.) Actually its technically a "swing" state.
  

So there you have, compelling arguments (or not) of why they might want an earlier caucus. Mostly it was just a reason to make fun of these states for no good reason. But in all seriousnesslyness (thats how serious this is) caucusi and early primaries are designed to weed people out of the election season early (I'm looking at you Chris Dodd) who could spend their times doing better things (like losing their senate seat re-election- John Edwards). Both of these states together only account for 11 electoral votes (about the same as 1/3 of Los Angeles County) in the national election. I say let them have their early crap, it makes them feel better.

In closing I ask, shouldn't all primaries be on the same day anyways since primary means "first"? Wouldn't the rest be secondaries, tertiaries.... or deciaries ( I had to look that word up as I wasn't sure it was real)?